hey y’all. just wanted to sit down and write a little bit, with nothing in particular of importance to say. i’ve been thinking a lot about the lives of olympic athletes, as i enjoy as much of the event-airings as i can. it is crazy to think that in some of these sports, the olympic competitors~presumably the best in the world at what they do~are so young. i cannot imagine being The Very Best in the World at one particular thing~at ANY age, let alone as a teenager. what must that do to a life? imagine reaching your peak at 16. what happens then?

maybe they handle the pressure well… or maybe they go all tanya harding before the decision is even made about their ranking because they are so desperate for that golden ring. i guess in some situations it leads to a dana plato (death) or gary coleman (unimaginable decline) type thing.

when your entire life has revolved around this one thing…. and then it’s over; either because you reach the pinnacle, or because you age out and are forced into retirement…. hey….. wait a minute…. this isn’t so different from acting.

hmm.

okay, let me think “out loud” about this. basically, my life is built around achieving this dream of mine: to have a successful acting career. now, even though “success” to me doesn’t mean i have to be The Very Best in the World, it still indicates a certain level which i am determined to reach. my income (and thus my lifestyle), my geographical location, my thoughts on having a family~all of these things and others are dictated (or at least influenced) by this pursuit. and what will happen to me if i never reach my goal? if i reach it and then fall out of favor? if i can’t handle the pressure of whatever comes with success in this field?

i know myself, and i know my people. i am certain i will be fine dealing with whatever comes my way in the wake of success. so i know that success will be okay for me in the long run. on the other hand, what if i somehow don’t succeed at this? after 10 years…actually, probably more….of building my life around this one goal, this one dream…. where would i go? what would i do? i cannot even think of another field of work that would “complete me” the way this does. i could do a lot of things, i was blessed with an agile mind. but want to do? love to do? be willing to sacrifice for? i just don’t know.

i guess the only real answer is this: i must succeed. my life depends on it. my joy and passion and faith are all wrapped up in it. and i am blessed with people in my life who understand and support all of that. so. i am well-equipped, i train hard, i have a support system, and i am ready to go out and give the performance of my life. ready to hit the podium and accept my medal.

watch this.

okay, so it’s true, i have missed the first 2 months’ “12 of 12″ for 2010. BUT i am sticking with the reason that my new year isn’t starting until tomorrow, when the Chinese New Year occurs.  because quite frankly, the year of the ox was not a great year for me. and so far 2010 hasn’t been a huge improvement.

so instead of getting all frustrated and depressed that nothing really seems to be changing yet (in a year which i came into with positive thoughts and faith in moving forward to bigger and better), i have determined that, based on the chinese zodiac, my stuff isn’t really meant to be improving until the year of the tiger starts.

SO my new year is starting tomorrow, and i cannot wait to share all my fabulous news with you!  and you can keep your eyes peeled for my first “12 of 12″ for the new year in march!

12 of 12 December 2009 – Los Angeles, CA

(all photos taken by me on the 12th of december)

10:49 am | my living room | morning pages

11:04 am | my dining room table | am i rich yet?

2:15 pm | my living room | home for the xmas tree

2:38 pm | my living room | feline patriarch supervises the holiday decoration proceedings

2:56 pm | xmas tree lot | so many treeeeees!

3:01 pm | xmas tree lot | yum! need scratch-n-sniff pictures :)

3:55 pm | my kitchen | teriyaki tofu on the Foreman~not sacrilege!

4:12 pm | my kitchen | fortification for tree decorating

5:35 pm | my living room | pre-tree-lighting

5:46 pm | my living room | happy tree-lighting!

5:48 pm | my living room | o star! the fairest one in sight...

7:50 pm | thai in l.a. restaurant | condiment duty table

so i have been attending a number of SAG awards screenings lately, mostly with Q&As afterward. some of them amazing and brilliant… but this last one i went to brought some very negative feelings to me, and i wonder if it’s just me or if i share the feelings with many who were in the audience that night.

i’m not going to get specific about who and what film.  but the Q&A guest  (let’s use the name “pat” for anonymity and non-gender-specificity) spent a lot of time going on about how pat didn’t even know if acting was a career pat wants. that pat often just decides not to go to auditions, that people pursue pat for work even while he doesn’t want it, that pat has so many other careers paths that pat would be happy doing, that pat doesn’t want half of the gifts of work that are offered, and that pat is untrained, un-hungry, and does not have a passion for acting.

and yet pat is sitting in front of a roomful of SAG members, with a burgeoning career most would probably sell their left foot to have, and talking about how meaningless all this really is to pat.

i was offended on a deep level of my artist soul.  my frustration over all the years of struggle and hope and faith and belief seemed to blossom to overflowing while i sat and listened to pat’s unending flow of self-centered talk.  i thought, “well if you don’t really want it, get out of the way and let someone who does have it!  people are killing themselves inside trying to achieve the success that you have, to be in a position to work with the very best; people that won’t take it for granted or misuse the blessing.”

and again, maybe it was just me that got all het up about it. but i was. and i still am on a certain level.  and i know there will always be people who have this attitude, this fortune they don’t see. but to blather it all in front of the company of struggling actors is just completely classless and egocentric in my eyes.

i am going to join up with this very interesting photography project following created by chad darnell called “12 of 12″~and i was going to wait until the new year, but heck, why would i do that?  lol

the project is totally cool to see in other people’s blogs, so i think it will be fun to do as well. and it has the added bonus of getting me in front of my blog at least once a month~hopefully writing more full entires while i’m at it.

so expect a “12 of 12″ on december 12!  if you’re interested, check it out here.

the free screenings are awesome. and tis the season.  i recently saw the new coen brothers film, a serious man, as well as the messenger, starring woody harrelson, ben foster, and samantha morton.

q&a’s after both films with the stars~pretty frickin’ cool and inspiring.

i hope to see many more before the screening season is over.

meanwhile, this is traditionally the time where i get really busy commercially for about a week.  so wish me fun & luck. it’d be a great holiday gift to bring home a nice fat booking for myself and all my loved ones who keep the faith year round.  not to mention my long-dedicated commercial agents.

i’m off to do some research viewing and make some vegetarian tacos. what a better way to spend my friday night? i’m totally psyched. simple pleasures….

i was just reading a column by Bob Fraser, actor, director, etc.~and probably better known at this point because he’s the man behind “The Show Biz Brain” column at Now Casting’s Actors Ink ezine.  at any rate, the article was all about how as actors we will get rejected ~ repeatedly ~ and it will never stop no matter what heights we get to in our career. for example, as he says:

Somewhere, right now, in some casting director’s office or producer’s Malibu cabana, someone is saying something like; “Dakota Fanning? Isn’t she a little old for this?” or  “Phillip Seymour Hoffman? I think this is out of his range.”

this last tenet of the column i thought was very well put, and i’m posting it here because i want to look back at it when i’m feeling the weight of all the necessary rejection. maybe it’ll make you feel good too…

“…ignoring rejection is the only path to the red carpet…”

perfect. so i am going to ignore that fact that i didn’t get a callback on my last 3 auditions when i semi-expected to.  i can ignore it because i am absolutely certain that i did my best. i don’t question my ability or my performance (at least not on these 3) and i know absolutely and without a doubt that whatever the reasons were that i did not get the callbacks, it’s IRRELEVANT and is part of my necessary journey.

plus these 3 bring me that much closer to my “average 1-in-20″ audition where i will book.

i cannot wait!

do you ever wonder why people want to compare others looks~perhaps even your own~to famous people all the time?

even if you don’t really look like them, there’s always one or two that people say you “remind” them of.  and they mean it as a compliment (well, most of the time. there is that story of a woman i know~who shall remain nameless~being told by an agent that she looks like a female lee harvey oswald…which i believe prompted her to eventually get a nose job…) but sometimes it’s very hard to take seriously, even as a generous compliment.

i get a few pretty consistently, and they are all very complimentary~ridiculously, almost…to the point that i don’t really agree that i look like them, actually.   because seriously, if it were true~if i did look like madeline stowe when my hair is long, or exuded audrey hepburn when i had bangs, or resembled isabella rosselini in various haircuts~shouldn’t i, too, be famous by now? or at least making a living as an actor?  don’t you ever wonder why the “right” people don’t see that you look like a star~if indeed all these kindly placed comparisons actually have any ounce of truth to them at all?  i mean, why can’t speilberg see my at my bar job and decide that i look like a gorgeous-leading-lady-movie-star? is it ungrateful of me to be annoyed that these comparisons are repeatedly made in a situation and by individuals who are clearly trying to get on my good side for some reason? i already pour a strong drink, guys. no need for unnecessary flattery.  if you want me to buy you a round, just tip well. i’m cheap & easy.

i know i know, what a thing to complain about. i must sound like a real snotty bitch. but i swear to god… it feels almost the same way it feels to have someone tell me i’m a really great server or bartender. thank you, but it is really NOT what i want to be GREAT at. and if iam great at the WRONG thing, does that mean i don’t have room to be great at the RIGHT thing? if there’s already a madeline, audrey, isabella, am i destined to be left out of the list of great leading ladies one day? can’t i either be able to use that as leverage or be recognized for my own unique stuff?

i ain’t mad, though i realize i’m sort of ranting here. this didn’t even happen to me in the past week or so. but it came to mind and i thought why not blog it. maybe someone else has something to say, or a need to hear someone ranting about it.

anyway, beyond all that, it is going to be a good week. i feel it. and who knows, maybe madeline will call and ask me to play her daughter in her new film.

so i didn’t have much to say for a while….

but i’m here now and will tell you what’s been going on, though most of you probably know, thanks to the wonder of facebook.

so in may i booked and shot Days of Our Lives, a possibly-recurring role as a psychiatrist, Dr. Battersley. that aired in mid-june, and i haven’t been called back yet (though apparently they have showed me in flashbacks), but i also know they take a 2 week break around july 4th, so i’m still hopeful they’ll bring me back in the near future.

then a few weeks later, my agent busted his ass to get me in for a large co-star role on a Nick show (bless him!) and i busted my ass prepping the 5 pages.  got to the audition and the sides and character were entirely different. i still read, read well~i’m glad i’m comfortable with cold reading~but i knew i was wrong for the role as they’d rewritten it.  too bad, cause i really felt i had the original nailed~with some help from a director friend, too.

today i went in to audition for one of my fave shows, House MD.  it would be pretty cool to book that show, and though i can’t talk about the scenario, i can say that my scene would be with hugh laurie, and that would be an awesome birthday present!  i start trying not to be too excited and hopeful… but then i think, “screw all that, this is part of the fun~the anticipation & exhilaration!”  i’m going to embrace it all!

meanwhile i shot a small role in a short film, an episode in a webseries (will post link when it’s done) in june, and i am feeling the power of “my” year moving into place!

here’s crossing fingers for HOUSE!!

sorry i have been MIA.  i am just working really hard right now to keep my level of frustration and self-pity to a minimum. this is due, of course, to the fact that i am jonesin’ for acting work~or just some darned auditions!  it has been dead for me so far this year, and i know it’s not just me… but it is also not everyone either.  so it is requiring all of my effort from time to time to stay positive and distracted from useless and defeating bouts of actory-ness. :)  in case you’re in the same place and want some ideas, i am accomplishing this pretty successfully thru exercise, meditation, volunteer work, and doing the acting and other artsy work i can do on my own & with friends.

meanwhile, my BF and i went to a private VIP screening of the new remake of wes craven’s classic The Last House on the Left.  we happen to know the villain-star, and he was wonderful! i’ve mentioned him before~the fabulously talented and generally excellent human being, garret dillahunt.  it was very cool to sit and watch the film with him and friend paul schneider. (in case you all are wondering, i only had the chance to get to know these wonderfully talented people thru the grace of my BF, who is their Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu coach.)  the film was great on the whole. i didn’t personally care too much for the performance of the lead girl, but that’s just my humble actor-infused opinion.  i really thought garret did an excellent job with this role~and i don’t say that because i know him.  i really loved and admired his performance, and it’s a different sort of character than he usually gets cast as, so what a great opportunity to see him spread his wings some more.  the film is definitely a go-see-in-the-theater-with-a-crowd type of movie. it’s got the same sort of vibe, to me, as the wonderful de niro-studded remake of Cape Fear.  check it out!