i recently celebrated my 7-year anniversary of living in l.a.

i have found some great things to love about this town, and about california, and i don’t regret my move here a bit.

that being said… i still don’t consider this place home, and i begin to think i never will. this presents somewhat of a crisis scenario for me because… well, who the heck likes living somewhere they don’t consider home?  and when you consider that the whole reason i moved here, my acting dream, has yet to become a full-fledged career, that makes things seem even more… bizarre.

how long can a person live in a place they don’t call home, and be content? perhaps forever.  but i am guessing that if that dream doesn’t become that career very soon, i may start to become discontented with being in this location.   it’s not that anything is wrong with here, it’s just not… me. not really.  i loooooove the ocean and the mountains and the hiking and the nearby natural beauty.  but the rest of it doesn’t jive, and it’s become a sort of “great to visit, but wouldn’t wanna live there” type of thing.

now, i consider myself pretty self-aware and do realize that this may well be related in great part to continued frustrations and the stagnation of my acting. after a busy august and early september, i have not had an audition in over a month. that is not great news in the middle of fall t.v. season.  that is, in fact, terrible news.  i keep my head up, keep my thoughts positive, keep my eye on the prize, as much as a human being can.  but i guess my subconscious is finding ways around all that, ways to make me feel like i’m in the wrong place, ways to make me questions my choices, ways to make me doubt myself.

but the crazy thing is this: when i consider in my head and in my heart whether or not this art of acting is truly my calling, even trying out the idea that it’s not, i am once again absolutely bombarded by certainty. i am completely, 100% positive that this is what i am meant to do for my work. no question. no doubt at all. so what does all this mean? i don’t know. maybe i’m about to book a series regular on a show that shoots in NYC or wilmington or atlanta.  maybe that’s why i don’t consider this place home, maybe my gut knows i’ll be moving on from this location very soon.

but i will not be moving on from my dream. nope. it’s true what they say: you do know what your calling is if you have one. and there’s no turning away.

so, audition gods, hook me up with some action so i don’t have to send my poor subconscious into overdrive, okay?   thanks.

Filed under: Uncategorized

whenever it gets unbearably hot out here in la-la land, or when there is a big fat storm out on the east coast or in the midwest, i always get a hugely enunciated bout of homesickness.  i know there are a lot of people who think it’s crazy that i miss snow so much, that i prefer cold weather to hot, especially since i not only live in socal, but i also love the beach.  but i really miss the fun of unpredictable, unusual weather.

now, i know that there are a lot of people living in the path of hurricanes and other people who would kill to have mostly temperate weather year-round.  i am not one of those people. and i miss weather. missing weather makes me miss home, family, and all the various ways we found to spend our days when we were snowbound or dealing with a tornado warning or in the midst of a torrential downpour & high-octane winds from a really fat thunder & lightning storm.

so…it’s that time again and it’s over 100 degrees at my house, with sub-par air conditioning. hurricane irene is approaching the east coast, and i wish i was at any one of my past homes, and not here. but…here is where my passion lies, where i will myself back on my feet again and again, and where i will inevitably fulfill my dreams.

and then i will buy a 2nd home somewhere where there is “weather.”

Filed under: Uncategorized, general, personal

hi everyone.

i am in an extremely flighty mood today~and if you know me at all, you know this happens about once a year.

right now i am supposed to be working on my scenes for my acting class tonight. and normally i would be at it full steam because i have finally found a class i adore.  but instead i am here, writing to you, and with nothing even particular to say.

well, maybe i do have something to say…let’s find out.

there is a lot of preconception about what it is i am supposed to be doing at any given time.  in fact, in the general picture of my life, i am supposed to be, at this age, deciding whether or not to have any children. at this point in my dream-pursuit, some would say i am supposed to be developing a back-up plan and moving on to some “real” career.  i think i am also supposed to be keeping my house clean and loving to go shopping and getting excited about dress-up events.

i am, in fact, just an odd bird, in terms of this culture’s ideas about what a woman my age is/should be doing/being/feeling/enjoying.  and i am okay with that.  i’ve never really cared too much about what other people think because my goal is generally along the lines of living in joy.  or at least doing my best to get there.  and the things that bring me joy might seem odd to some, but i suppose in the end it’s a matter of taste.  so i like the chocolate-covered grasshopper version~don’t let it bother you, just let me enjoy the crunch and snap!  it makes me happy.

it would be nice if everyone else was trying to live this way too~in joy, and not worry about what everyone else is doing.  after all, this is my life and these are my choices, and although i am clear on the fact that a lot of people think they could live my life “better” than i am doing so myself, the fact is i am happy about 90% of the time. and as far as i can tell about the people around me, that’s a pretty damn good percentage.

so. i guess what i sat down to write was this: no one knows what i am supposed to be doing but me. and sometimes i don’t even know.  so i’m gonna continue to not worry about all my “supposed to”s, and continue seeking joy.  i hope you do the same.

cheers!

Filed under: general, personal, showbiz

shortly after the september 11th attacks, i bought a t-shirt. it has a slogan on it that reflected everything i felt and thought in the those uncertain days, weeks, and months following that horrific day.

i have never worn it. i probably never will.  i did not buy it for anyone else but me, and i keep it in a box with the NY Post i also bought, the one whose cover shows the poignant picture of some very courageous and selfless rescue workers planting an american flag atop the rubble that was the WTC.  i lived in nyc for 5 glorious years, from september 1999 to september 2004.  and i have not been back to visit since november of 2004.

but last week i finally went. it took me six and half years to get back~and not because i didn’t want to, believe me.  time and money and responsibilities kept conspiring to keep me away. so this time i just decided and bought the ticket and didn’t let anything get in my way. it is, after all, almost 10 years since the attacks, and some part of me also wanted to recognize that part of my history. because it certainly changed my life, though thankfully not in the nightmarish way of personal loss that it affected so many others.

here’s the thing: six plus years later, i wondered if i’d still feel the same way about the city that used to be my favorite place in the world.  and as i wandered around the streets of my old neighborhoods, sat in my old haunts, and visited with old friends, that slogan from that t-shirt just kept singing through my head. and there was no doubt in my mind that nyc still holds that exhilarating pulse of life & energy it always had for me, that inspiration to follow my dreams and conquer it all… and all i could think of was that t-shirt.

“I ♥ NY MORE THAN EVER”

Filed under: Uncategorized, current events, general, personal, showbiz

well, it’s 2011. and i know that you feel like i do: this is gonna be a good year.  if for some reason i am wrong and you don’t feel this way….you better take another think on it.

the year has started off pretty strangely for me. and actually, if anything, i should probably have been feeling like this is going to be a shit year, based on the first two weeks of it. however, i believe that very often, when things go very wrong, it is a path to the real joy you are seeking. maybe a somewhat painful, disillusioning path. but..sometimes we need to get a swift kick in the arse to clear our vision.

this third week of the year is proving that i’ve been right to keep the faith, and karma seems to be starting to pay itself forward.  (and backward, as the case may be.)  fortunately, most of my own personal karma has been pretty generous and positive. so i hope that this trend continues well into the year and onward.

i am hoping to have some great big fabulous news to share soon…. so stay posted!

Filed under: general, personal

i will keep adding to this post (from the top) to make it easier to see additions.

this is what i’ve watched so far, and what i think of it, out of 5 stars.  these ratings are based on the pilot episodes.  i allow room for improvement as the series go forward and will make additional notes accordingly.  :)

• Detroit 187 | 4.25 stars
• Outlaw | 4.25 stars
• Terriers | 4.25 stars
• Running Wilde | 2 stars
• Raising Hope | 3.75 stars
• The Event | 4.5 stars
• Chase | 4 stars
• Lonestar | 4 stars

Filed under: current events, general, showbiz

hey y’all~
well, it’s been a rather long june… hiatus was definitely in full swing. however, in spite of that, my fabulous new manager was able to get me out on 2 tv shows~one of which i not only got a callback on, but was then put on hold for the role, and the other straight to producers on tape for a show i love. yes, i didn’t book either of them, but i am sooooo happy to have gone out for 2 tv auditions in one month~perhaps the slowest month of the year~after 6 months of no tv auditions at all. i am very much looking forward to seeing what magic my manager and i can create together for my career in this fall tv season.
meanwhile, i had a very typical hollywood situation come up on a short film. that’s where the blog title comes in. i have learned the hard way, as many of you probably have, that you can’t really count on too much in this business until you actually cash the check and have the money in your hand and/or you watch the final product and see yourself on screen. we’ve all been promised roles and then not gotten them. we’ve all had promising projects fall through, sometimes at the last minute. we’ve all had scenes cut or edited down or edited so that we aren’t even recognizable….
this is the nature of this business, unfortunately.
i have a friend who talked to me about a script she wanted to write at least a year ago, probably more like 1.5-2. she told me then that she wanted me for the part. this was a relatively new friend at the time, and i said, “look, that’s really nice of you to say, but you have never even seen me act.” to me, a situation like this can never bode well. i am extremely proud of what i can do as an actor, but whenever someone tells me i’d be perfect for something or that they want me for something when they have no evidence that i can even DO the acting, i immediately try to stop the conversation until the person can see my work. then we never have to worry about backpedaling, about promises that can’t be (or shouldn’t be) fulfilled, etc. cause frankly, i may be talented and able, but i am just not RIGHT for every role. NO one is.
anyway….she continued to bring this up occasionally over the next year. then about 4 or 5 months ago, when we really stopped spending as much time together, she told me she had a deal to get it produced, get it made, and i was definitely still what she wanted…if i liked the script and wanted to do it, of course. and i, naturally, kept the idea of the project in the back of my head, but hadn’t seen a script or anything… and i thought, “ok kate, the producers and director don’t know you. do not count on this promise.” and i didn’t. i kept my mind open to the possibility, but didn’t count on it.
so about a month ago, i get an message, “we are doing casting for the other roles on X date. would you be able to come and read with the actors we’re auditioning?”
huh. wow. well, maybe i am in. huh. but wait i still haven’t even read the script. i have no doubt i’ll want to do it, and my friend is a great writer, but the point is, why do i still feel so far out of the loop if i’m in? i haven’t met anyone yet either. okay. well. let’s just keep our mind where it was. so… i kept my mind open to the possibility, but didn’t count on it.
3 or 4 days before X date, i get the script via email and a confirmation of times. cool. i read, like, email back. next day i get a revised script. okay, cool, i read, like, email back.
then i get a weird message 2 days before X date. talking about how the actors have been rescheduled and the will i just come in to read opposite my co-star, who has already been cast, so the director can get a feel. hmmm. okayyy. i think to myself, “here we go.” i email back, asking if i should “prepare.” no, no this is just going to be very casual, but we’ll be reading these pages in case i want to look them over. okay.
next morning i get another email with a forwarded note from the director. as soon as i read this email and the director’s notes below i realize i am in one of those awful situations where my friend is about to try and give me a guilt casting. yup. i said it. i know this because basically, as i understand from the email (and you can bet i had a phone call with my friend shortly after to try and sort this out without assumptions), this is going to be an audition. and they want me to prepare the entire 10 pages of the script my character is in. right. for the next day. awesomeness.
so on the phone i’m told that it’s just you know casual blahblahblah. uh-huh. right. so i prepare as much as i can, having to go to my bartending job for 10 hours that night. i do what i can. and when i go in the next day, i am treated like any other random person coming in to audition. to be honest, this is the part of this whole deal that shocks me. and pisses me off a little. because i have been told “casual” and get-to-know-you and all this stuff that implies that even though i may still have to win this role, i may also have a bit of preferential treatment above the masses.
huh. not so much.
so. i put on my cattle call audition attitude, go in, and i do the best audition i can, going through 20-30 minutes of paces with the director (who, as a side note, seems to have no idea what she wants out of this film and makes me wonder why she’s directing if she has no clear vision, but whatever…), and leave feeling like i got nothing back from her. which leads me to believe that she already has someone else in mind for the role.
i don’t say this to my friend, who comes out after me, talking about how great i was, but i do say, “really? cause i couldn’t really get a read off the director.”
i leave. in my car i get a little more pissed because i feel like i’ve been put in a bad situation, and that even if they cast me i wonder if i might always feel like it’s only because of a long-ago promise and not because the director wants me for it. and THEN i think, “hey, kate, you just had a lot of fun. you got to play with other actors and try 15 different takes on a character with a well-written script. THAT makes it all worthwhile, so let’s just let the rest of it go.” and i do. i text my friend, saying i had a blast and thank you for bringing me in on this. and i let it go. i feel absolutely certain that i will not be playing this role, and i do not care. that has never happened to me before.
later in the week i, of course, have to deal with my friend trying to gently break the news and i just cut her off at the pass with “i’m guessing you guys decided to go another way? no worries, casting is casting, good luck with the project.” she does mention how she fought for me… but frankly, this just makes me feel irritated. because why would you want to put an actor, a friend, into a situation where no one on the project wants you in the role? it’s like when the boss hires his child for the job you know someone else was meant for. i know why though, it’s because she made me a promise. and even though i never took it seriously, because i learned that lesson so long ago, i guess she thought i would.
so. there we go with another broken promise. and you know what? i am totally okay with that.

Filed under: personal, showbiz

so i was fortunate enough to have a tv audition 2 fridays ago. it was my first tv audition in 6 (!) months. and it was for a huge tv office, UDK, who has never ever called me in before. all i wanted was to do well, have fun, and get a callback on my first time in for them.

lo and behold, i did get a callback, and i went to the producers’ session at paramount last monday afternoon. it was great. the room was good energy and the director was really cool. later that day~in the evening, really~i got an email from my manager they had “put a pin” in me for the role, along with two other ladies.

if you don’t know the business, this basically means they want to make sure i don’t go and get a job during the shoot dates, which in this case meant i was on hold for june 10-21 (yep, 11 days), before they make up their mind about which of the three of us they want to use.

so…i have been waiting….on pins and needles…. to hear if my pin will become a booking. i really thought i would hear before the weekend….

but i didn’t.

and then i thought, “what if they hired one of the other girls and forgot to release me?” aw. crap. i could’ve called my manager and asked her to find out if i was still in the mix… but i chickened out. i thought (there i go thinking again), “but then what if i find out i’m definitely out after waiting so long to hear? i’ll be so bummed…. eh, might as well put it off another day and enjoy the bliss of ignorance.”

so after 7 days of being “pinned” i finally emailed my manager tonight. she’s going to call tomorrow. and i am going to spend this evening sending positive thoughts about the results out into the universe, and hope hope hope that i’m rewarded with a booking a manana. as far as i know i’m it and they just haven’t had a chance to make the call!

i’ll just expect to need to run over to wardrobe tomorrow for my fitting. yup, that’s what i’ll do. i will only allow positive thoughts. cause really i have already met my goal and then some with this audition. and the rest is just cream cheese frosting on a real red velvet cake.

i don’t want no stinkin’ chocolate cake with red dye and plain white frosting. no sirree, not for me. i’ll have my cake and eat it too.

Filed under: personal, showbiz

hey y’all. just wanted to sit down and write a little bit, with nothing in particular of importance to say. i’ve been thinking a lot about the lives of olympic athletes, as i enjoy as much of the event-airings as i can. it is crazy to think that in some of these sports, the olympic competitors~presumably the best in the world at what they do~are so young. i cannot imagine being The Very Best in the World at one particular thing~at ANY age, let alone as a teenager. what must that do to a life? imagine reaching your peak at 16. what happens then?

maybe they handle the pressure well… or maybe they go all tanya harding before the decision is even made about their ranking because they are so desperate for that golden ring. i guess in some situations it leads to a dana plato (death) or gary coleman (unimaginable decline) type thing.

when your entire life has revolved around this one thing…. and then it’s over; either because you reach the pinnacle, or because you age out and are forced into retirement…. hey….. wait a minute…. this isn’t so different from acting.

hmm.

okay, let me think “out loud” about this. basically, my life is built around achieving this dream of mine: to have a successful acting career. now, even though “success” to me doesn’t mean i have to be The Very Best in the World, it still indicates a certain level which i am determined to reach. my income (and thus my lifestyle), my geographical location, my thoughts on having a family~all of these things and others are dictated (or at least influenced) by this pursuit. and what will happen to me if i never reach my goal? if i reach it and then fall out of favor? if i can’t handle the pressure of whatever comes with success in this field?

i know myself, and i know my people. i am certain i will be fine dealing with whatever comes my way in the wake of success. so i know that success will be okay for me in the long run. on the other hand, what if i somehow don’t succeed at this? after 10 years…actually, probably more….of building my life around this one goal, this one dream…. where would i go? what would i do? i cannot even think of another field of work that would “complete me” the way this does. i could do a lot of things, i was blessed with an agile mind. but want to do? love to do? be willing to sacrifice for? i just don’t know.

i guess the only real answer is this: i must succeed. my life depends on it. my joy and passion and faith are all wrapped up in it. and i am blessed with people in my life who understand and support all of that. so. i am well-equipped, i train hard, i have a support system, and i am ready to go out and give the performance of my life. ready to hit the podium and accept my medal.

watch this.

Filed under: current events, personal, showbiz

okay, so it’s true, i have missed the first 2 months’ “12 of 12″ for 2010. BUT i am sticking with the reason that my new year isn’t starting until tomorrow, when the Chinese New Year occurs.  because quite frankly, the year of the ox was not a great year for me. and so far 2010 hasn’t been a huge improvement.

so instead of getting all frustrated and depressed that nothing really seems to be changing yet (in a year which i came into with positive thoughts and faith in moving forward to bigger and better), i have determined that, based on the chinese zodiac, my stuff isn’t really meant to be improving until the year of the tiger starts.

SO my new year is starting tomorrow, and i cannot wait to share all my fabulous news with you!  and you can keep your eyes peeled for my first “12 of 12″ for the new year in march!

Filed under: 12 of 12, personal