hey y’all~
well, it’s been a rather long june… hiatus was definitely in full swing. however, in spite of that, my fabulous new manager was able to get me out on 2 tv shows~one of which i not only got a callback on, but was then put on hold for the role, and the other straight to producers on tape for a show i love. yes, i didn’t book either of them, but i am sooooo happy to have gone out for 2 tv auditions in one month~perhaps the slowest month of the year~after 6 months of no tv auditions at all. i am very much looking forward to seeing what magic my manager and i can create together for my career in this fall tv season.
meanwhile, i had a very typical hollywood situation come up on a short film. that’s where the blog title comes in. i have learned the hard way, as many of you probably have, that you can’t really count on too much in this business until you actually cash the check and have the money in your hand and/or you watch the final product and see yourself on screen. we’ve all been promised roles and then not gotten them. we’ve all had promising projects fall through, sometimes at the last minute. we’ve all had scenes cut or edited down or edited so that we aren’t even recognizable….
this is the nature of this business, unfortunately.
i have a friend who talked to me about a script she wanted to write at least a year ago, probably more like 1.5-2. she told me then that she wanted me for the part. this was a relatively new friend at the time, and i said, “look, that’s really nice of you to say, but you have never even seen me act.” to me, a situation like this can never bode well. i am extremely proud of what i can do as an actor, but whenever someone tells me i’d be perfect for something or that they want me for something when they have no evidence that i can even DO the acting, i immediately try to stop the conversation until the person can see my work. then we never have to worry about backpedaling, about promises that can’t be (or shouldn’t be) fulfilled, etc. cause frankly, i may be talented and able, but i am just not RIGHT for every role. NO one is.
anyway….she continued to bring this up occasionally over the next year. then about 4 or 5 months ago, when we really stopped spending as much time together, she told me she had a deal to get it produced, get it made, and i was definitely still what she wanted…if i liked the script and wanted to do it, of course. and i, naturally, kept the idea of the project in the back of my head, but hadn’t seen a script or anything… and i thought, “ok kate, the producers and director don’t know you. do not count on this promise.” and i didn’t. i kept my mind open to the possibility, but didn’t count on it.
so about a month ago, i get an message, “we are doing casting for the other roles on X date. would you be able to come and read with the actors we’re auditioning?”
huh. wow. well, maybe i am in. huh. but wait i still haven’t even read the script. i have no doubt i’ll want to do it, and my friend is a great writer, but the point is, why do i still feel so far out of the loop if i’m in? i haven’t met anyone yet either. okay. well. let’s just keep our mind where it was. so… i kept my mind open to the possibility, but didn’t count on it.
3 or 4 days before X date, i get the script via email and a confirmation of times. cool. i read, like, email back. next day i get a revised script. okay, cool, i read, like, email back.
then i get a weird message 2 days before X date. talking about how the actors have been rescheduled and the will i just come in to read opposite my co-star, who has already been cast, so the director can get a feel. hmmm. okayyy. i think to myself, “here we go.” i email back, asking if i should “prepare.” no, no this is just going to be very casual, but we’ll be reading these pages in case i want to look them over. okay.
next morning i get another email with a forwarded note from the director. as soon as i read this email and the director’s notes below i realize i am in one of those awful situations where my friend is about to try and give me a guilt casting. yup. i said it. i know this because basically, as i understand from the email (and you can bet i had a phone call with my friend shortly after to try and sort this out without assumptions), this is going to be an audition. and they want me to prepare the entire 10 pages of the script my character is in. right. for the next day. awesomeness.
so on the phone i’m told that it’s just you know casual blahblahblah. uh-huh. right. so i prepare as much as i can, having to go to my bartending job for 10 hours that night. i do what i can. and when i go in the next day, i am treated like any other random person coming in to audition. to be honest, this is the part of this whole deal that shocks me. and pisses me off a little. because i have been told “casual” and get-to-know-you and all this stuff that implies that even though i may still have to win this role, i may also have a bit of preferential treatment above the masses.
huh. not so much.
so. i put on my cattle call audition attitude, go in, and i do the best audition i can, going through 20-30 minutes of paces with the director (who, as a side note, seems to have no idea what she wants out of this film and makes me wonder why she’s directing if she has no clear vision, but whatever…), and leave feeling like i got nothing back from her. which leads me to believe that she already has someone else in mind for the role.
i don’t say this to my friend, who comes out after me, talking about how great i was, but i do say, “really? cause i couldn’t really get a read off the director.”
i leave. in my car i get a little more pissed because i feel like i’ve been put in a bad situation, and that even if they cast me i wonder if i might always feel like it’s only because of a long-ago promise and not because the director wants me for it. and THEN i think, “hey, kate, you just had a lot of fun. you got to play with other actors and try 15 different takes on a character with a well-written script. THAT makes it all worthwhile, so let’s just let the rest of it go.” and i do. i text my friend, saying i had a blast and thank you for bringing me in on this. and i let it go. i feel absolutely certain that i will not be playing this role, and i do not care. that has never happened to me before.
later in the week i, of course, have to deal with my friend trying to gently break the news and i just cut her off at the pass with “i’m guessing you guys decided to go another way? no worries, casting is casting, good luck with the project.” she does mention how she fought for me… but frankly, this just makes me feel irritated. because why would you want to put an actor, a friend, into a situation where no one on the project wants you in the role? it’s like when the boss hires his child for the job you know someone else was meant for. i know why though, it’s because she made me a promise. and even though i never took it seriously, because i learned that lesson so long ago, i guess she thought i would.
so. there we go with another broken promise. and you know what? i am totally okay with that.

so i was fortunate enough to have a tv audition 2 fridays ago. it was my first tv audition in 6 (!) months. and it was for a huge tv office, UDK, who has never ever called me in before. all i wanted was to do well, have fun, and get a callback on my first time in for them.

lo and behold, i did get a callback, and i went to the producers’ session at paramount last monday afternoon. it was great. the room was good energy and the director was really cool. later that day~in the evening, really~i got an email from my manager they had “put a pin” in me for the role, along with two other ladies.

if you don’t know the business, this basically means they want to make sure i don’t go and get a job during the shoot dates, which in this case meant i was on hold for june 10-21 (yep, 11 days), before they make up their mind about which of the three of us they want to use.

so…i have been waiting….on pins and needles…. to hear if my pin will become a booking. i really thought i would hear before the weekend….

but i didn’t.

and then i thought, “what if they hired one of the other girls and forgot to release me?” aw. crap. i could’ve called my manager and asked her to find out if i was still in the mix… but i chickened out. i thought (there i go thinking again), “but then what if i find out i’m definitely out after waiting so long to hear? i’ll be so bummed…. eh, might as well put it off another day and enjoy the bliss of ignorance.”

so after 7 days of being “pinned” i finally emailed my manager tonight. she’s going to call tomorrow. and i am going to spend this evening sending positive thoughts about the results out into the universe, and hope hope hope that i’m rewarded with a booking a manana. as far as i know i’m it and they just haven’t had a chance to make the call!

i’ll just expect to need to run over to wardrobe tomorrow for my fitting. yup, that’s what i’ll do. i will only allow positive thoughts. cause really i have already met my goal and then some with this audition. and the rest is just cream cheese frosting on a real red velvet cake.

i don’t want no stinkin’ chocolate cake with red dye and plain white frosting. no sirree, not for me. i’ll have my cake and eat it too.

hey y’all. just wanted to sit down and write a little bit, with nothing in particular of importance to say. i’ve been thinking a lot about the lives of olympic athletes, as i enjoy as much of the event-airings as i can. it is crazy to think that in some of these sports, the olympic competitors~presumably the best in the world at what they do~are so young. i cannot imagine being The Very Best in the World at one particular thing~at ANY age, let alone as a teenager. what must that do to a life? imagine reaching your peak at 16. what happens then?

maybe they handle the pressure well… or maybe they go all tanya harding before the decision is even made about their ranking because they are so desperate for that golden ring. i guess in some situations it leads to a dana plato (death) or gary coleman (unimaginable decline) type thing.

when your entire life has revolved around this one thing…. and then it’s over; either because you reach the pinnacle, or because you age out and are forced into retirement…. hey….. wait a minute…. this isn’t so different from acting.

hmm.

okay, let me think “out loud” about this. basically, my life is built around achieving this dream of mine: to have a successful acting career. now, even though “success” to me doesn’t mean i have to be The Very Best in the World, it still indicates a certain level which i am determined to reach. my income (and thus my lifestyle), my geographical location, my thoughts on having a family~all of these things and others are dictated (or at least influenced) by this pursuit. and what will happen to me if i never reach my goal? if i reach it and then fall out of favor? if i can’t handle the pressure of whatever comes with success in this field?

i know myself, and i know my people. i am certain i will be fine dealing with whatever comes my way in the wake of success. so i know that success will be okay for me in the long run. on the other hand, what if i somehow don’t succeed at this? after 10 years…actually, probably more….of building my life around this one goal, this one dream…. where would i go? what would i do? i cannot even think of another field of work that would “complete me” the way this does. i could do a lot of things, i was blessed with an agile mind. but want to do? love to do? be willing to sacrifice for? i just don’t know.

i guess the only real answer is this: i must succeed. my life depends on it. my joy and passion and faith are all wrapped up in it. and i am blessed with people in my life who understand and support all of that. so. i am well-equipped, i train hard, i have a support system, and i am ready to go out and give the performance of my life. ready to hit the podium and accept my medal.

watch this.

okay, so it’s true, i have missed the first 2 months’ “12 of 12″ for 2010. BUT i am sticking with the reason that my new year isn’t starting until tomorrow, when the Chinese New Year occurs.  because quite frankly, the year of the ox was not a great year for me. and so far 2010 hasn’t been a huge improvement.

so instead of getting all frustrated and depressed that nothing really seems to be changing yet (in a year which i came into with positive thoughts and faith in moving forward to bigger and better), i have determined that, based on the chinese zodiac, my stuff isn’t really meant to be improving until the year of the tiger starts.

SO my new year is starting tomorrow, and i cannot wait to share all my fabulous news with you!  and you can keep your eyes peeled for my first “12 of 12″ for the new year in march!

12 of 12 December 2009 – Los Angeles, CA

(all photos taken by me on the 12th of december)

10:49 am | my living room | morning pages

11:04 am | my dining room table | am i rich yet?

2:15 pm | my living room | home for the xmas tree

2:38 pm | my living room | feline patriarch supervises the holiday decoration proceedings

2:56 pm | xmas tree lot | so many treeeeees!

3:01 pm | xmas tree lot | yum! need scratch-n-sniff pictures :)

3:55 pm | my kitchen | teriyaki tofu on the Foreman~not sacrilege!

4:12 pm | my kitchen | fortification for tree decorating

5:35 pm | my living room | pre-tree-lighting

5:46 pm | my living room | happy tree-lighting!

5:48 pm | my living room | o star! the fairest one in sight...

7:50 pm | thai in l.a. restaurant | condiment duty table

so i have been attending a number of SAG awards screenings lately, mostly with Q&As afterward. some of them amazing and brilliant… but this last one i went to brought some very negative feelings to me, and i wonder if it’s just me or if i share the feelings with many who were in the audience that night.

i’m not going to get specific about who and what film.  but the Q&A guest  (let’s use the name “pat” for anonymity and non-gender-specificity) spent a lot of time going on about how pat didn’t even know if acting was a career pat wants. that pat often just decides not to go to auditions, that people pursue pat for work even while he doesn’t want it, that pat has so many other careers paths that pat would be happy doing, that pat doesn’t want half of the gifts of work that are offered, and that pat is untrained, un-hungry, and does not have a passion for acting.

and yet pat is sitting in front of a roomful of SAG members, with a burgeoning career most would probably sell their left foot to have, and talking about how meaningless all this really is to pat.

i was offended on a deep level of my artist soul.  my frustration over all the years of struggle and hope and faith and belief seemed to blossom to overflowing while i sat and listened to pat’s unending flow of self-centered talk.  i thought, “well if you don’t really want it, get out of the way and let someone who does have it!  people are killing themselves inside trying to achieve the success that you have, to be in a position to work with the very best; people that won’t take it for granted or misuse the blessing.”

and again, maybe it was just me that got all het up about it. but i was. and i still am on a certain level.  and i know there will always be people who have this attitude, this fortune they don’t see. but to blather it all in front of the company of struggling actors is just completely classless and egocentric in my eyes.

i am going to join up with this very interesting photography project following created by chad darnell called “12 of 12″~and i was going to wait until the new year, but heck, why would i do that?  lol

the project is totally cool to see in other people’s blogs, so i think it will be fun to do as well. and it has the added bonus of getting me in front of my blog at least once a month~hopefully writing more full entires while i’m at it.

so expect a “12 of 12″ on december 12!  if you’re interested, check it out here.

the free screenings are awesome. and tis the season.  i recently saw the new coen brothers film, a serious man, as well as the messenger, starring woody harrelson, ben foster, and samantha morton.

q&a’s after both films with the stars~pretty frickin’ cool and inspiring.

i hope to see many more before the screening season is over.

meanwhile, this is traditionally the time where i get really busy commercially for about a week.  so wish me fun & luck. it’d be a great holiday gift to bring home a nice fat booking for myself and all my loved ones who keep the faith year round.  not to mention my long-dedicated commercial agents.

i’m off to do some research viewing and make some vegetarian tacos. what a better way to spend my friday night? i’m totally psyched. simple pleasures….

i was just reading a column by Bob Fraser, actor, director, etc.~and probably better known at this point because he’s the man behind “The Show Biz Brain” column at Now Casting’s Actors Ink ezine.  at any rate, the article was all about how as actors we will get rejected ~ repeatedly ~ and it will never stop no matter what heights we get to in our career. for example, as he says:

Somewhere, right now, in some casting director’s office or producer’s Malibu cabana, someone is saying something like; “Dakota Fanning? Isn’t she a little old for this?” or  “Phillip Seymour Hoffman? I think this is out of his range.”

this last tenet of the column i thought was very well put, and i’m posting it here because i want to look back at it when i’m feeling the weight of all the necessary rejection. maybe it’ll make you feel good too…

“…ignoring rejection is the only path to the red carpet…”

perfect. so i am going to ignore that fact that i didn’t get a callback on my last 3 auditions when i semi-expected to.  i can ignore it because i am absolutely certain that i did my best. i don’t question my ability or my performance (at least not on these 3) and i know absolutely and without a doubt that whatever the reasons were that i did not get the callbacks, it’s IRRELEVANT and is part of my necessary journey.

plus these 3 bring me that much closer to my “average 1-in-20″ audition where i will book.

i cannot wait!

do you ever wonder why people want to compare others looks~perhaps even your own~to famous people all the time?

even if you don’t really look like them, there’s always one or two that people say you “remind” them of.  and they mean it as a compliment (well, most of the time. there is that story of a woman i know~who shall remain nameless~being told by an agent that she looks like a female lee harvey oswald…which i believe prompted her to eventually get a nose job…) but sometimes it’s very hard to take seriously, even as a generous compliment.

i get a few pretty consistently, and they are all very complimentary~ridiculously, almost…to the point that i don’t really agree that i look like them, actually.   because seriously, if it were true~if i did look like madeline stowe when my hair is long, or exuded audrey hepburn when i had bangs, or resembled isabella rosselini in various haircuts~shouldn’t i, too, be famous by now? or at least making a living as an actor?  don’t you ever wonder why the “right” people don’t see that you look like a star~if indeed all these kindly placed comparisons actually have any ounce of truth to them at all?  i mean, why can’t speilberg see my at my bar job and decide that i look like a gorgeous-leading-lady-movie-star? is it ungrateful of me to be annoyed that these comparisons are repeatedly made in a situation and by individuals who are clearly trying to get on my good side for some reason? i already pour a strong drink, guys. no need for unnecessary flattery.  if you want me to buy you a round, just tip well. i’m cheap & easy.

i know i know, what a thing to complain about. i must sound like a real snotty bitch. but i swear to god… it feels almost the same way it feels to have someone tell me i’m a really great server or bartender. thank you, but it is really NOT what i want to be GREAT at. and if iam great at the WRONG thing, does that mean i don’t have room to be great at the RIGHT thing? if there’s already a madeline, audrey, isabella, am i destined to be left out of the list of great leading ladies one day? can’t i either be able to use that as leverage or be recognized for my own unique stuff?

i ain’t mad, though i realize i’m sort of ranting here. this didn’t even happen to me in the past week or so. but it came to mind and i thought why not blog it. maybe someone else has something to say, or a need to hear someone ranting about it.

anyway, beyond all that, it is going to be a good week. i feel it. and who knows, maybe madeline will call and ask me to play her daughter in her new film.